Why the relationship matters most

Carolin Graßmann, Franziska Schölmerich and Carsten Schermuly pooled 27 samples covering 3,563 coaching processes. The working alliance, the bond between coach and client and their agreement on goals and methods, had a moderate and consistent relationship with outcomes (r = 0.41). A stronger alliance also went with fewer unwanted side effects. The link held across types of clients, levels of coach experience, numbers of sessions and who rated the outcome (Graßmann, Schölmerich & Schermuly, 2020).

A large study led by Erik de Haan, with more than 1,800 coaching relationships, found that the alliance and the client’s belief in their own ability to change predicted results. Matching coach and client personalities did not (de Haan et al., 2016).

That’s useful. You don’t need a coach who’s like you. You need one with whom you can be honest, and who helps you believe change is possible for you.

What a good first conversation feels like

Most coaches offer a free first conversation. Use it as the main test. Some things to notice:

  • Do you say more than you planned to? That’s often a sign you feel safe.
  • Does the coach ask more than they tell? In a first conversation, a good coach is curious about your situation, not busy presenting their programme.
  • Do you leave with something? A new question, a different way of seeing the situation, or one clear next step. If a short conversation gives you that, longer work probably will too.
  • How does your body feel afterwards? Lighter, calmer, more energised, a little stirred up? Or tense and slightly managed? Your inner compass is a good judge here.

In my own small survey of 20 people, 18 said chemistry in the first conversation would decide which coach they chose. Trust and a sense of safety came next. That matches the research.

Questions worth asking

  1. How do you work? Listen for a method you can understand and picture. “I hold space and see what emerges” is fine for some people. If you want structure, ask what a typical session looks like.
  2. What will I leave with? A good coach can describe concrete outcomes: a decision made and tested, a direction you can describe, skills you’ll keep.
  3. Who do you work best with, and who not? Coaches who can answer this honestly know their craft.
  4. How will we know it’s working? Agree early on what would count as progress.
  5. When would you refer me elsewhere? A good coach knows the limits of coaching and says so.
  6. What’s your training and accreditation? See below.

What credentials tell you

“Coach” isn’t a protected title. Anyone can use it. Accreditation from a recognised body tells you a coach has done structured training, logged supervised practice hours, passed an assessment of their skills, and keeps up ongoing education.

The two most widely recognised are the International Coaching Federation (ICF), with levels ACC, PCC and MCC, and the European Mentoring and Coaching Council (EMCC), with levels from Foundation to Master Practitioner. Both publish a code of ethics.

Credentials don’t guarantee a good fit. They do tell you a coach has been trained and held to a standard.

Coaching or therapy?

They overlap, and they’re different.

Coaching is for people who are functioning and want to change something: a direction, a decision, a way of working or living. It looks mostly forward and works through action.

Therapy is for treating mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety disorders, trauma or addiction, or for working through the past in depth. Therapists are trained and licensed to do this. Coaches aren’t.

If you’re not sure, ask both. A good coach will tell you plainly if what you’re describing belongs with a doctor or therapist, and many people work with both at once.

Different schools of coaching

You’ll see many labels. A few you’re likely to meet:

  • Goal-focused or cognitive-behavioural coaching links goals to action steps and regular review. It has the most research behind it (Grant, 2012).
  • Solution-focused coaching concentrates on what’s working and what you want, more than on analysing the problem. In a small experiment, solution-focused questions did more for people’s positive feelings and confidence than problem-focused ones (Grant & O’Connor, 2010).
  • Ontological coaching works with language, emotions and the body as three connected domains of how a person sees the world and acts in it. Its first randomised trials are recent (Pereira et al., 2024).
  • Somatic coaching focuses on the body: breath, posture and movement as ways to change how you respond.

I combine the structure of goal-focused coaching with ontological coaching’s attention to language, mood and the body, and much of the work happens outdoors. Other coaches combine differently. Ask any coach which school they come from, and why.

Red flags

  • Guarantees of specific results (“You’ll double your income”).
  • Pressure to sign up during the first conversation.
  • A coach who talks mostly about themselves.
  • No clear answer to “when would you refer me elsewhere?”.

One thing to try this week

If you’re considering coaching, write down three things you’d want to be different in a year. Then book a first conversation with two coaches, not one. After each, write one word for how you felt, and one sentence about what you left with. Compare them before deciding.